Do you have a moment? Oh, I know, life must be very busy for you lately. If not for your play-by-play retweets of the Trump-Russia allegations, there might not be any justice at all in the world. And I concede that without your countless restating of the “facts”, clever hashtags, and oddly homophobic jokes about Putin and Trump, the FBI, CIA, Justice Department, NSA, the Office of the Director of National Intelligence, Treasury Department, Department of Homeland Security, and the Senate Intelligence Committee might all simultaneously forget to finish investigating the Putin-Trump connection. Your service to this country is immeasurable and for that reason, I promise this will not take up much of your time.
I wanted to talk to you about your performance. Or, more specifically, your lack-there-of. This election was embarrassing. You propped up an unpopular candidate (Weekend At Bernie’s style) and hoped no one noticed your candidate had the personality of drying paint. In fact, the most interesting factoids about Hillary Clinton was her criminal investigation by the FBI and her neoconservative hawkishness for bombing civilians. And, to be fair, these are solid qualities… if you’re trying to cast as the next Bond villain. But if you’re trying to convince voters to support your candidate for the presidency, it’s a hard sell. That marketing campaign becomes even more difficult when you consider that she ran against the most popular US politician (Bernie Sanders).
Look, I’m not trying to re-litigate the primaries (#BernieWouldHaveWon) but the reality is that Hillary Clinton was a risky candidate. And if Hillary Clinton was competing against a basket of puppies, the unnecessary risk she introduced into the primaries would have been negligible. But she was running against Donald Trump who the press continually compared to Hitler. Yes, that Hitler. So, presumably, Hillary Clinton’s campaign team would have created a strategy to mitigate the risks she introduced into the election cycle. After all – winning the 2016 presidential election was the singular goal she was tasked with achieving.
Why are you surprised that Hillary Clinton lost? No. A better question is: why the f*ck would you think Hillary Clinton was poised to win? Because Trump is a bridge troll? That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard and I grew up during an era when Americans thought Jim Carrey was funny for making stupid sounds.
Might I suggest that next time you don’t bet the fate of this country on a very risky bet? Speaking of which, the midterms are just around the corner. So what do you plan on doing differently? Well, Nancy Pelosi kept trying to steer the conversation back to Russia during her town hall despite the crowds lining up to talk about single payer. After placing pharmaceutical lobbyists’ interests above the needs of his constituents, Corey Booker was chumming it up with the Trump spawn (Viva #La Résistance). And DNC Chair, Tom Perez, thinks that the party should cater more to the pro-lifers.
You need an intervention. You are sick. This is not normal. And this will not win in the 2018 midterms.
This piece was originally published on Left of Politics.