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The President’s Toad

This Week in the Narrative 98

Nigel Clarke

A few years ago, I visited the Lyndon B. Johnson Presidential Library in Austin, Texas – a more-serious stop on a “Keep Austin Weird” tour.

As I was walking through the exhibits, a man whom I took to be employee came up and started talking to me, just mundane kind of stuff – are you enjoying the exhibits, do you have any questions, and so on.

I thought he was about to walk away when suddenly he leaned in closer and lowered his voice.

“You know … LBJ had a gigantic penis.”

What?

“It’s true. He called it ‘Jumbo’ and would constantly wave it around … in the bathrooms, the indoor pool, even the parking lot. It was his go-to move when he was attempting to intimidate political opponents and journalists. Once, when the press was hammering him about why the country was in Vietnam, he unzipped his fly and took out his penis, pointed at it, and said, ‘This is why’”

God, I wish there would have been social media in those days. Forget Trump’s tweets, where are the tweets of Lyndon Baines’s Johnson?

I asked the man who was telling me this if he worked at the library.

“No,” he said as he scuttled off.

He didn’t work there, he was just the type of guy who hung around a Presidential Library all day and gave visitors the real low-down … puns intended.


This week, President Trump’s penis was in the news, and not the small hands thing again. Rather, because of Full Disclosure, a book by adult film actress and ex-lover to Trump, Stormy Daniels. In an excerpt of the book which dominated mainstream news and entertainment this week, Daniels described the presidential member as: “smaller than average” but “not freakishly small,” with “a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool …” adding, “like the mushroom character in Mario Kart.”

I spent a long time trying to think of a way to describe someone’s penis which would be a better combination of grotesque, hilarious, and insulting than Toad from Mario Kart, but I failed. So, props to whoever came up with those words, and if that’s what it actually looks like, then certainly truth is stranger than fiction.

It did occur to me though, there seems to be a curious and ongoing fascination with the penis of the President of the United States.

For example, we apparently know that Bill Clinton’s “erect penis is about five inches long, has the circumference of a quarter … and heads off at an angle, presumably rather like a finger bent at the joint,” and, from his own lawyer, that “In terms of size, shape, direction, whatever the devious mind wants to concoct, the president is a normal man. There are no blemishes, there are no moles, there are no growths.”

Before Clinton there was LBJ, and directly before him, JFK.

Further back there was Warren G. Harding, who referred to his penis as “Jerry,” a fact recorded in The Library of Congress – “Wish I could take you to Mount Jerry. Wonderful spot.” Quote, President Harding.

You could even go back as far as Thomas Jefferson, who was attacked by opponents alleging he was unfit for office because he was controlled by his penis. Perhaps most infamous in attack was this cartoon:

Is this something that other countries do? I mean, I know that some people might call politics a “dick swinging contest,” but this seems a bit much.

Yet, a penis is the one thing all 45 presidents have shared in common (#ThanksObama). I wonder how much longer this will be true?

But it really does seem preposterous with all that is going on in the country and the world to waste time talking about Donald Trump’s … what in the U.K. they might euphemistically call “the crown jewels,” so in the U.S. may be the “head of state”? The point is, who really cares if Trump’s toad needs a star powerup?

But if there is something tangible to take from the endless news stories and late-night commentaries it’s this:

Donald Trump has said that he is well-endowed. Stormy Daniels says he is not, and that his penis looks like a cartoon character. Anyone who hasn’t seen it for themselves cannot know who is telling the truth. What we have here is a “he said, she said.”

Notice that the “she” in question is a porn star and the “he” is the president.

Yet, whether it has been penis size, affairs, payoffs, or non-disclosure agreements, people, and certainly mainstream news and entertainment, seem more inclined to believe Stormy Daniels. Essentially, what we are seeing is, in the eyes of public perception, a porn star deemed more credible than the President of the United States.

I’m not saying this is incorrect. Neither am I criticizing women in the adult film industry.

I’m saying that for this dichotomy to exist in public perception is unusual.

It’s probably just a commentary on Trump’s level of buffoonery, but can we maybe throw some shine on #MeToo for this?

A white man with about as much power as it is possible to get is being given less credibility than a sex worker. What an incredible time to be alive.

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Written by Nigel Clarke

Nigel Clarke

Writer and notorious vagabond. From the frozen north. Follow Nigel on Twitter @Nig_Clarke.

Nigel Clarke is a Writer for Progressive Army.

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The President’s Toad