Editor’s Note: The Progressive Army Editorial Board advises caution and urges our readers to please drink responsibly. (We enjoy having a liver, Salamone!)
Since we don’t live in the good timeline, where Amy Goodman, Glenn Greenwald, Noam Chomsky, Anoa Changa or Abby Martin are asked to moderate a Democratic Primary debate; suffering through the media-military-industrial complex’s version of raising important issues is bound to be insufferable. Insightful dialogue on the possibility of human extinction, social and economic inequalities, just providing the same quality of social services the rest of the developed world does, or breaking up media monopolies will not appear on Comcast’s NBC, let alone any future Democratic debate offerings. For that purpose, for anyone hip to the fact that America has needed a stark change of course for many decades, I propose that we self-medicate our TV-induced rage with the time-honored tradition of a drinking game.
Humanity might not survive the next 50-years without bold action. On the other hand, a participant might not survive a two-night televised debate due to alcohol poisoning. There are worst ways to go. Phone the neighbors and wake the kids. Gather around the boob-tube. Pay close attention to the double-speak and pandering, but please, no wagering.
If a Democratic candidate for President says they want to “expand and improve Obamacare” instead of advocating to give you the same human right to healthcare the rest of the developed world enjoys, take a shot.
When Mayor Pete uses the phrase, “all lives matter,” shotgun a beer.
If Biden winks at a female moderator, take a sip. If he physically touches another candidate, take a shot.
If a Democratic candidate for President panders to right-wingers in Israel, take a shot.
If Warren recites a love-letter to capitalism, chug your drink.
If a Democrat or moderator who has been on record implying that Trump works for the Russians advocates for the Trump administration using military action in any way, take two sips
When Bernie uses a percentage, take a sip. Unless it is while answering a moderator trying to twist his words or implicating him as an extremist or communist, then take a shot.
When a moderator makes a point that directly benefits their network’s parent company or major sponsors, take a sip.
When a moderator or candidate implies that everything was just fine under Obama, the first person to yell, “drink,” while pointing at a friend is making that friend take a sip.
If Beto climbs on top of his podium, everybody drinks and yells, “if you can’t stand for something, stand on something!”
The first person to yell at the screen out of frustration over the privilege of a debate moderator and their ignorance to everyday American life can make everyone else drink at any single point of the evening.
When a candidate inevitably says that there’s nothing wrong with anyone being a billionaire, without any moderator questioning if anyone can become a billionaire without exploiting other citizens, everybody drinks and sighs.
If any other candidate or a moderator calls Kamala a cop, everyone should drink after clinking glasses and saying, “cheers.”
If any of the pro-fracking candidates from Colorado lie and say they care about the environment, everybody should take a shot and express their disgust.
If Booker takes two opposing positions while answering the same question, everybody takes a sip, mimicking the Kermit the Frog sipping tea meme.
The first person to admit that they haven’t heard of more than one of the candidates until this debate can make everyone else drink.
If Williamson brings up healing crystals in any capacity, everyone should drink while reciting, “ohm” three times.
When Tulsi says, “aloha,” everyone should shout, “mahalo” and have a sip.
When a candidate or moderator uses the phrase “illegal immigration,” everyone should raise their glass and shout, “no human is illegal!” When a candidate or moderator refers to an ICE camp as anything but, everyone should drink and shout, “concentration camps.”
When a commercial airs for a company involved in weapons manufacturing, a prescription drug, insurance of any kind or a large banking institution, everybody should drink and hang their head low in shame.
If you’re not vomiting from watching these politicians yet, sleep well, America.